Transformers 2

Well I just got back from watching transformers.

Bear with me, my initial reactions are all based on just walking out of the movie. My first thought was.. will this movie never end? You know a fight scene is taking too long when you’re yawning, and your kids are asking if they can go play video games, in the middle of one of the most heated and main battles.

There was a lot of random discrepancies (someone being knocked unconscious, and then five seconds later hopping out of the car a-okay! Not to mention that tazers don’t cause unconsciousness…) as well as a great deal of blatant pilfering from other mainstream robot movies for ideas. The terminators from.. terminator come to mind. As do the little rolling metal balls from Aeon Flux, the ones that she whistled to get them to come to her. I had a profound sense of deja vu as I watched the film, seeing shots and sequences I’ve seen before in many movies. But that wasn’t what bothered me the most.

It was the utter lack of SENSE. The plotlines made no sense. They dragged in TONS of different themes and story ideas, and instead of focusing on one to make it really have an impact, they lessened each dramatic moment by throwing you immediately to yet another huge traumatic event. You didn’t have time to stop and think and *feel* for the characters, or to fully understand the plotline before another was thrown in. Yet by the same token, you had way way way too much time to ponder and contemplate things like the shape of a robot’s scrotum.

Yes they went there.

The humor started out mild, but as the movie went on, it went more and more into the crude kind of humor that I’m honestly not a fan of. Fart jokes, ball jokes, and a ton of hiphop slang and cussing. Now I’m not a prude, but I’ve got to tell you guys… I don’t want to take my kid to a movie for kids and have to wince every time someone opens their mouth because I don’t know what kind of crap is going to come out next. Or cover their eyes from a hairy ass in a thong. Normally I’d say ‘you should be careful of what movies you take your kids to’ in general, but this.. well the movie IS marketed to young boys. Since they market it *to* kids, it should be *for* kids. This movie wasn’t.

The other problem I had with the fight scenes was this. Every time Michael bay has a robot flounce across the screen, it’s accompanied by the cool sounds of robot transformation. In the first movie he choose his moments wisely, and waited to show you those transformations for rare, key moments. In this one you barely had time to BLINK before they were shifting and re-shifting over and over again. In mid fight they would shift multiple times. Couple that with the usual blaster and exploding building sounds, and my ears are *still* ringing and hurting from the constant assault of sound. Visually it was just as painful. If you’ve ever seen the swirling/slashing/barely comprehensible fights from Final Fantasy: Advent Children, you’d understand. The robots swirled and leaped and jumped and you couldn’t tell who was doing what, what they were doing in the first place, and if that was a decepticon or an autobot. It made the agonizingly long fight scenes even longer, as you blinked and squinted your eyes to try and piece together what was going on.

It was topped with one cliche after another. I could handle those if the rest of the movie hadn’t been shoveled together like the dung scraped out of a barn.

And of course.. the twins. Well while I don’t see the ‘omfg they’re black’ hubub about the twin robots (to me they came off as a ‘vanilla ice’ sort of feel. Some dumb white boy trying to be badass), they were some of the main instigators of the crappy jokes. They seemed to serve no real purpose except be annoying, and did nothing to further the storyline. Actually none of the ‘new’ characters did a thing to forward the storyline or provide much of anything to the movie. The occasional one liner, another flashy sequence of robot shifting, that’s about it.

Was there anything good about this movie? Well it had some highlights. Somewhere. I can’t think of any offhand, but I’m still sitting here with the taste of disappointment in my mouth and a general sadness that the movies have taken this turn. I grew up with transformers, I’d like my kids to grow up wtih them as well, but I sure won’t be buying the dvd for my kids to watch again. Thanks.

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