Posts Tagged ‘musings’

Good morning sunshine

Friday, July 24th, 2009

I didn’t get much sleep last night. Due to several friends raving about watchmen, I finally got off my ass and actuallyw atched the movie. Have to say, I enjoyed it. Now I need to see the director’s cut. I won’t give an in depth review of it, simply because I was watching it at 3 in the morning, rping with a friend, panicking about upcoming deadlines and wondering if there was a 24 hour art supply store somewhere in the world. Needless to say, my attention wasn’t fully on the movie.

Morning came early for me for one simple reason. I have a friend who has to go to work and so her online time today was at eight am my time, and I didn’t want to miss it. Luckily talking to her online doesn’t require me to get out of pjs, wake up enough to brush my hair or look civilized. In fact, I don’t even have to get my voice working, I can just type! It’s fantastic. So I can’t really complain that I didn’t get much sleep, I feel it was definitely worth it, because she’s a great person to talk to. It just means I’m goingto spend today in a somewhat drugged state.

I also spent last night sculpting wings. I… am quite surprised. They came out fantastic on my first try. Considering I’m a disinterested sculptor at best, a texturephobe and generally dislike ‘stuff on my hands’; me using clay at all is a miracle. I can’t post pictures of it, it’s all a great secret. Hopefully I’ll get some photographs and can post them once dragoncon is over. I’m working on my items for the charity auction.

So, now that I’ve babbled on for three paragraphs about my goings on last night, today I get to scramble to put art together. Most people say “But jessica. Dragoncon isn’t till september! Why panic?” Why indeed. Well my dear, questioning friend. I panic because there’s so much to do, and it all needs to be mailed the first week in *august*. ack! Add to that, we randomly decided to have a barbeque tomorrow, so I’m also trying to reduce my ‘precon’ mess into something decent enough for the neighbors to see if they come inside.

I’m an absolute disaster when it comes to pre-convention prepwork. I have mat boards scattered across three rooms of the house, artwork stacked haphazardly wherever I can find spare areas. Pencils and markers are tossed about, finished and unfinished projects are mixed together. It truly is a nightmare. Yet somehow, out of this chaos, I manage to get my act together for each convention. It’s a miracle.

How do I make this miracle work? Not a clue. But I’m going to try to disect it down each day so i have a better understanding of myself.

The first thing I did today was talk to my friend. This is key to my daily habits, because I’ve found if I don’t talk to someone at least *once* during the day, I sink into sort of a.. mindless vegitative state. I go back to bed. I read a book for THE ENTIRE DAY and don’t move. Projects drop by the wayside and things get forgotten. So speaking to a friend sparks up my creative drive and reminds me that I have things outside of my comfy little home sphere to get ready for.

Once that friendly chat is over, that’s when I do a little self motivational time. I’m severely depressed. Harsh words, negativity, it all sends me circling into a vicious cycle of self doubt and distress, and dare I say.. emo-ness. Now since I can’t stand being emo, and end up getting annoyed and frustrated, I’ve been making a point to sit down and cut the legs out of my inner prince emo-tep. So I spent the day reading fat blogs.

What are fat blogs? They are blogs written by overweight men and women who have accepted themselves, DO NOT hate themselves, and are out there enjoying life to the fullest. I have a weight problem, it’s bothered me quite a bit as it wasn’t something I grew up with. With my last two pregnancies I packed on enough pounds between them to make me into the dangerously obese category (I was placed on bedrest for much of the pregnancies). Pre-existing health problems became exaserbated when I couldn’t do the things I needed to keep them from getting worse, until eventually I was falling apart. As I pick up the pieces, it’s a constant uphill struggle to NOT compare myself to when I was 20, 22, 25.  These blogs do wonders to help me kick off the day with “I am me and I am FANTASTIC.”

For me, doing art is all about my state of mind. Getting anything done at all is all about my state of mind. When I’m happy, I can move mountains. When I’m sad, everything falls apart. So … since things need to be done, I need to be happy!

Well with my mood suitably improved thanks to the wonderful ladies who’s blogs I read, I move on to the rest of my day. At the moment I’m blogging, to sort of organize my thoughts. From here I’ll be compiling all those fun bits of matboard into one pile, then I’ll scramble around and straighten house while I wait for my awesome sculpty wings to dry. Tonight, I’ll finish epoxying dragon scales onto another sculpture (yes I’m a sculpting fool!) and I’ll stain all the wooden boxes I’m taking with me to dragoncon. Originally I was going to try to finish two more paintings in time for the con. But then I remembered that I have a TABLE at the con and actually need to have products at said table. So I’ll be staining boxes instead.

I can’t wait to show you guys these sculptures.

Self inflicted torture

Thursday, July 23rd, 2009

I swear, that’s what it’s like to go to an art supply store with a small amount of money to spend and a set item to buy.

It’s what I do, otherwise I’ll blow our entire grocery budget on the most amazing things I just want to try, just once! So to keep my art addiction to a manageable level, I don’t enter the store with more money then I need to buy exactly what I planned to purchase. And those purchases were planned while I was sitting in the safety of my own home, well away from the temptations of  ‘other things’. Infamous other things.

Today I took myself to Roberts. I’m working on some small wooden boxes that are stained and then have my paintings enameled into the surface. But I ran out of wood stain and varnish, so I had to go and get some. I walk into the store and instantly “OMG I WANT THIS AND THIS AND THIS AND THIS” I actually picked up half a dozen items before I remembered that I had no cash on me to buy them. It’s an insane compulsion, I just can’t seem to be able to stop. Nothing else affects me like this. I walk into clothing stores? No problem. Shoe stores? Just fine. The junk food aisles? Eh. But put me in an art supply store and I suddenly become a raging artoholic who needs an intervention!

There were these fantastic boxes that were half off! I wanted to get them and paint them so badly!! Ah well.

Today’s lesson. Moderation is good for you, it really is. Now to figure out a way to get more cash so I can scamper back to the store and get some boxes >.>
Help me. I need an intervention!

Large and in charge

Wednesday, July 22nd, 2009

I’ve had many thoughts lately, trying to decide what I want to do with this blog, with this website, and with myself in general. What do you do when you’re an artist in a recession with a severe case of artist block induced by a plummet in self esteem?
I’m not sure. But I think if I write about the artistic side of my life a little bit each day, it might help me to get past things and see clearly once more. Today is a bit of personal rumination. Just trying to sort things out.

To start. I’m a 32 year old artist. Most people I know began their careers around 25-26. By 28 my more successful friends were already hired into various publishing companies, and were well on their way to becoming well known in and of themselves. I woke up on the day of my 32nd birthday and said to myself ‘what in the hell have you accomplished Jessica?’ And my immediate answer was ‘nothing’.

That’s not entirely true though, is it? I’ve been published with baen, with darwin’s evolutions, with saturday afternoon, with emg. I’ve illustrated for award winning authors. I’ve produced two books of my own, and as my father said ‘that’s more then he’s done’. I’ve had *elliot gould* ask for my autograph (granted, I was 12 at the time, but still!).  I’ve a body of work that’s larger then most artist’s my age, and I have been incredibly happy with what I do. I’m not sure why I belittle my accomplishments. Maybe it’s that it’s not the mindblowing big deal I was hoping to have been by this time in my life? or maybe I just don’t want to accept that I am not a total failure at what I do.

And above all else, I’ve had the honor of meeting some of the most creative people of our times, and being able to call them friends.

It’s not been easy, it won’t be easy. But today my goal is to accept how far I’ve come, rather then focus on far I have to go.

The wonders of cleaning

Monday, July 20th, 2009

In light of the up coming convention that I need to mat and mail out art for, and my studio space which is impossible to walk through, I decided to do a quick remodel.
It occurs to me, some five hours of scrubbing walls and floors lter, that I do five billion times more exercise when I have a purpose, then when it’s just ‘walk for x amount of hours, lift this x amount of times’ etc. I think I’m going to have to start giving myself impossible chores every day that require herculean efforts to acchieve, in order to loose weight.

In other news, frogs are fantastic. And there was a ghostbuster’s mobile outside my house. Ghost busters. The hearse with all the lights and sirens and everything. Awesome.

Michael Jackson

Friday, June 26th, 2009

Welp I’m not delivering news that no one else has heard, Michael Jackson died yesterday at the age of fifty. Everyone has blogged about this, the news is all over the place on this, but well…  I figured I’d go ahead and blog about it as well.

The news is fairly confusing, as it usually is in cases like this. First a heart attack, then the possibility of ‘drug overdose’ (though a shot of demerol that he gets once a day wouldn’t count to me as a grand overdose like most rock stars die from). So what did he die of? We won’t know until the autopsy is done, and speculating till then seems kind of pointless.

He’s an uncomfortable man to talk about, to be honest. I know I’m not alone in feeling confusion about loving the contributions he made to music, and to the world in general through charitable acts… and then how I should feel about the accustations of child molestation, abuse, etc. etc. , as well as the growing bizareness of his appearance. By the end of his career I had stopped watching videos of him because I just couldn’t stand watching his face sort of.. melt away.

I never got the jokes made about him. It always seemed to me that he was a man with some deep inner struggles, and outer when it came to his health, and that’s not something you poke fun of. I think that’s why his music touched so many people, because it was light and ‘pop’ and fantastic, full of colors and wonderful dancing. But when you really listened to what he had to say, it was filled with an anger, and a raw sort of pain. His words spoke to a lot of people, and struck a chord for all of us. That venear of glitter and smiles, flashy dancing and smooth moves only covered the less pleasant things in the words. And that’s how a lot of us live, with a flash of glitter and a smile to cover when we’re hurting or confused. That’s why I think we moved as a people to LOVE his music and embrace it.

Bad? Bad was damn near our theme song growing up, all of us kids, saying we were tough and no one could stand against us. We could do what we wanted because we were ‘bad’. I was one of those kids growing up who got picked on like crazy. I was NOT one of hte bookworms that would get kicked and pushed and would just take it though, I was one of those kids who fought back, often resulting in injuries,and trips to the principal’s office. Why did bad speak to me? Because I was a good kid, just trying to survive and do what I wanted, but went ‘bad’ out of self defense.

But along with the gritty beneath the glitz was a sweet sort of.. love and harmony as well.

Remember the time was another song that always got to me. I was a teenager then, in high school and had my first boyfriend. He was HOT, big ol’ kickboxer. That song was on the radio a lot, I remember us hanging out at my house watching the video and shyly kissing when we thought my dad wouldn’t be around. (*cough* sorry dad) So yeah, do you remember the time? I do, that was my first love, and I remember it sweetly, and always set to that song.

There was fun as well, when Thriller came out, I actually *remember* the video. I was only five, but I watched it. My dad watched it, it was something I cherish growing up, that fun scary time when I could cling to my father and know he’d protect me from the scary things in the movies, and then giggle and try to learn how to do the zombie dance.

And now that I’m older, Man in the mirror is the song that speaks to me the most. Because I know that the only way anything’s going to change is by starting with myself, looking at myself and changing it. Considering his habit of speaking out on things that seemed to be bothering him through his music (leave me alone being a rather obvious example), I’d like to think he felt the same way.

So here I am, staring at my posts and still trying to reconcile my desire to honor a man who influenced my generation with my revulsion of the negative side of the musician, trying to figure out a good healthy balance about him. I don’t have an easy answer. But I do know that without his music, there’s a lot of memories I wouldn’t have, and that regardless of the bad things, he had a GOOD influence in my life, as well as the lives of many of my friends. Music moves me, helps me to create. I don’t paint without music playing and his songs were often in my playlists. So in many ways he had a hand in the things i created.

I think I started this post with the intention of going over his life, his contributions, and giving a clinical rundown of what all happened with him. But I’m not a news reporter, and I don’t know all the facts.. . so I’m leaving this blog as it is. A memory of the impact that he had on me, personally. I AM honored to have had the experience of growing up and personally witnessing each time he came out with a new incredible hit, each time a new video came out, and a new wave of dances and styles hit us. When I look at my kids, it makes me sad to know that they aren’t getting to see this, to see a star who moves the entire WORLD the way that Michael Jackson did. Will there be another star like that? Of that magnitude? I don’t know. I honestly don’t.  But I hope there is. Even if we’re not the flame that everyone flies to, there’s something to be said for having watched the fire burn.

A new movie coming out?

Wednesday, June 24th, 2009

Well it’s no secret that I LOVE Avatar: the last airbender. I thought it was a fantastic series, and it was one of the few series that ALL of my friends enjoyed, so I got to girlishly squeel about it with them.

Naturally when I see a preview for an avatar movie, I got into squeel fits and immediately clicked to view it.

I can’t decide if I’m excited or wary. On one hand I LOVE avatar. On the other… there’s only been like.. ONE M. Night Shamalan movie I’ve really liked, and even then I only think it got saved because Bruce Willis tends to be pretty strict about the quality level of the productions he’s in.

So I’m like.. *squints* at it. It could be good it could be bad.

I’m kind of amused at a post I saw over on facebook, people for the separation of races in avatar, as in they want the actors to be of the exact race that’s in the tv show. As far as I’m concerned, I tend not to care as long as the actor can play the part. I remember when people freaked out over memoirs of a geisha because the main character was played by a chinese woman. Wait.. several main characters were. I thought it was a beautiful, wonderful film, while others couldn’t see past the race. Maybe it’s that I have a hard time identifying people’s ‘race’ in general? Yes I am someone who all asian people look ‘asian’ to me, without an ability to see specifics between things like… chinese, vietnamese, japanese etc. Just like all black people look ‘black’ to me, with nothing telling me if they’re from africa, america, brittan, etc. etc. etc. White people?  It’s even worse! Y’all could be from ANYWHERE! And native americans the closest I get is ‘dude’s an indian’. Yep. Oceanic is another one. Eskimo to polynesian, it’s really hard for me to tell the difference between people *shrugs* So for me having people pre judge first ‘are you of the exact right race’ just.. I dunno. It doesn’t seem that important to me. Do they *look* like the character? Yes? Well then awesome! Who cares! Are htey a good actor? SCORE put them in the part!

Back to my ranty about M Night Shamalan. In general I dislike it when anyone tries to brand films like that, with their name. I’m not sure WHY I dislike it, but when I see someone’s name plastered across the header of a film, I usually get very wary of it.  It’s even worse if it’s just an actor’s name, but yeah… I understand it’s a draw for a studio. You say ‘Tim Burton’s alice in wonderland’ and people go fangasmic over tim burton and will go to see it just for that, I tend to flinch first, then peek to see what it is.

Speaking of Tim  Burton, have you guys SEEN the images they’ve released for that? Ahaha wow. I so didn’t expect so many COLORS. And take a look at this list of actors:   Of course Alan Rickman as the catapillar makes me squeel. But wow, they got stephen fry and anne hathaway mixed into this? That’s going to be… well.. fantastic to be honest. It looks like they’ve rewritten it, to be a ‘return’ to the rabbit hole, so to speak. It’s not really a remake of the original story, so I’m curious as to how much will be based on the story and how much will be add libbed in.

Some mroe images canbef ound on this site :  they have pictures of the white queen, red queen, alice, tweedle dee and dum, the mad hatter as well as some set images.

Welp I’ve babbled enough about random things. Time to go.. work in the garden!

Monday, June 1st, 2009

New day new art, let’s see how this works.

I’ve made it my personal goal to devote at least two hours every day to my art, if it extends into longer, cool. If not, well that’s cool too. It’s not that I’m in an art block. there are tons of things I want to draw and when I sit down and DRAW them, they come out just fine. It’s one of those bizarre states of … feeling like I need a purpose before I start drawing?Some reason To draw, besides just.. doodling. So I’m retraining my brain to see ‘just doodling’ as a good enough purpose to draw.